Seeing Eye to Eye

“How can you have a shared perspective on decision-making and action when there’s a disagreement of any kind right from the start?”

When there’s a new decision to make as a parent:

Be intentional:

1- When you start noticing a new behavior, or your child makes a new request, be intentional about setting aside time to talk and pray together.

• For example: You start noticing a change in your son’s behavior. Before, when you took something away, you could distract him with something else; now he gets angry and cries and screams. If you aren’t intentional about taking time to talk and pray together, you’ll have different ways of handling the behavior, and this creates confusion for the child and tension between you.

• Or your daughter has asked to sleep over at a school friend’s house, but you don’t know the parents. It’s the first time this has happened. If one parent just makes the decision on their own, it can create tension in the marriage, or even confusion because one parent says yes, and the other says no. Instead, you can say: “We don’t know the parents. Since this would be the first time this has happened, you need to give me some time to talk to Dad and pray.” This approach helps you not only make wise decisions together as a couple, but also to model for your children how decisions are made.

2- Establish rules or steps for reaching a decision together

• Agree on rules between yourselves for how you want to make a decision. This could mean: “We want to talk and pray together before deciding.” Or: “I want to be able to talk to another parent who has already been through a similar situation before deciding.” Or: “I need to feel heard without judgment before moving forward with the decision.” Or: “I want to read an article before deciding.” Obviously, it depends on the weight of the decision, but these rules help you agree on how you want to make the decision and avoid behaviors that might be hurtful.

But what if there’s an old issue you can’t seem to agree on?

1- Before giving up, set aside some private time to seek an agreement or a compromise. Sometimes we disagree simply because we haven’t been intentional about talking, praying, listening to each other, and seeking a solution that satisfies both of us. So the first step is to set aside time to find a solution together.

• This works best if you have a regular time without the kids around so you can talk together. It’s pretty hard to reach an agreement if you have kids screaming in the background or demanding your attention. Try to set aside a time of day when you can pray together and discuss important issues regarding your children. If you can’t do this every day, set aside AT LEAST one day a week when you take time for yourselves as a couple to talk and pray together.

2- I think it’s important to understand when we need to agree and take a unified stance, and when we can have different opinions. Let me explain… There are times when it’s essential to be on the same page. If my husband is disciplining our children, I don’t say anything to contradict him in front of them. If I disagree with his decision, I ask to talk later, and we calmly discuss what happened in a different setting. Or if we’ve decided that when they raise their hands, they have to sit in time-out for 2 minutes, then we both agree on this and respect that decision.

The reality, however, is that we’re also different. We’re different people with different gifts, and it’s important to build trust and let your spouse have the chance to act according to their abilities.

For example: I take a lot of time to explain things to the kids, even when they were little. I don’t jump straight to punishment or saying “no”; I take the time to explain why, to help them understand the principle behind what I’m saying or asking. My husband, on the other hand, sees the benefit in simply being firm and decisive in discipline. That they can learn that “no” means “no,” and that they have to accept this decision. It took a little time at first to find a balance and trust in this approach. However, we’ve seen that both concepts are important. There are times when “no” must mean “no,” and they have to accept it. And there are times—or personalities—that need to understand the “why” before accepting “no,” or where the principle is so important that it’s worth taking the time to explain or even discuss it with them. Over time, we’ve learned to trust and support each other’s approach. And not only that. Over time, we’ve also learned to act more like the other… me by being decisive, and my husband by taking more time to explain.

So perhaps the important question to ask is, “What is the point of disagreement?”

That is, is there a difference in how we apply discipline? In the decision itself? In the principle we want to teach? And start there.

It’s important to recognize whether the decision bothers you because he made it without you, because you would have handled it differently, or because you think the principle he’s teaching is wrong. These are very different issues, and they’re resolved in different ways.

It’s also important to recognize that we’re human. If you don’t like how your husband scolded your daughters because you think he overreacted, then before you reprimand him or express your disappointment, sometimes it’s enough to simply ask, “Are you okay? I noticed you seem a little more on edge tonight. Did something happen today?” Sometimes we snap simply because we’re tired or because we’ve had a terrible day. Sometimes we can help the other person feel better simply by listening, showing affection, and offering support.

Learning to find common ground, to resolve differences in perspectives or in how to raise our children, can create tension and frustration, but it’s also an opportunity to grow. It’s an opportunity to grow as a parent, as a husband or wife, and as a person. Let’s learn to resolve things well, by making time and space to talk and pray together.