Discipling our TCKs

There are many ways to raise children. We are not all the same, and our children are different from each other as well. That said, there are some basic principles regarding discipline that are important for us to adapt to as children of God.

Discipleship: The purpose of parenting is to disciple our children.

Deuteronomy 6:7 says, “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

This means that to decide how we want to discipline our children, we must first reflect on the message or lesson we’re trying to teach them. If you punish them simply because they’re testing your patience, then it will be difficult for them to learn why it’s important not to repeat the same behavior—or rather, they might learn not to repeat it because they want to avoid punishment, but not because they’ve understood why it’s important not to do it.

• An example: If your son calls his sister stupid, and you just scold him, then maybe he’ll avoid doing it to avoid being scolded. If, on the other hand, you take the time to explain the importance of our words, and how much it can hurt when we say mean things to others, then over time he’ll learn that words can hurt, and consequently, it’s important to be careful about what we say.

• If your child screams or cries every time they want something, and you give them what they want, they learn that if they cry, they get what they want. Or if you scold them, you’re acting just like them. Instead, you could use a phrase like, “Mommy can’t understand you if you cry and scream. If you want something, you have to use your words.” Then, after we’d said this phrase several times, all we had to say was, “Use your words.”

The purpose of discipleship is to teach important life lessons of being a child of God… such as empathy, compassion, patience, forgiveness, conflict resolution, and so on. Use everyday situations to teach important principles.

• An example: Our son had a bully in preschool. I knew about his family—they were a family facing many difficulties, always yelling—and the child behaved just like his parents. So I explained the situation to our son. I explained that he didn’t have a mom and dad to teach him how to use words or be kind, and so maybe we could pray for him together. We started praying for him every day, and after a few months, the boy became very attached to our son. Through this experience, I was able to teach compassion, forgiveness, and the power of prayer.

The importance of building a relationship: If you want your discipline to have an effect on your children, then you must build a relationship with them.

If the only interactions you have are with the purpose of scolding and disciplining, then you will soon lose your children’s respect, trust, and willingness to listen. Take time to listen, play together, get to know them, build trust, and foster affection. One effective way to do this is to plan a one-on-one outing with each child once a month to have time dedicated solely and exclusively to them.

The importance of consistency: To have an impact, you must be consistent over time.

If you aren’t, they won’t learn the lesson. It’s perhaps one of the hardest things as a parent, especially when they’re young and you have to repeat the lesson 20 times a day, but it’s worth it. The work you put in when they’re young will pay off later!

Prevention is key: To prevent disciplinary issues, you need to be intentional as a parent. Try to anticipate how your child will respond to a certain situation, and talk in advance about the rules and expectations you have for them.

An example: You’ve come to church tonight. Before you go, explain: “We’re going to church tonight for two hours; you can stay in the back with the kids and play for those two hours. Then, when the event is over, we’ll go home for dinner. Tonight we’re having the chicken you like when we get home. When we tell you it’s time to go home, I expect you to come to the car without crying or screaming. If you want to say something to Mom, you have to use your words. Then, 5 minutes before you have to leave, remind them, “We’re leaving in 5 minutes. I’ll set the alarm on my phone, and when it goes off, that means we have to go home to eat the chicken without crying, just like we said.” ” And maybe 1 minute before, remind them again, “The alarm will go off in 1 minute, and then we have to go.” This way, you’re preparing them and explaining the plan and expectations. This helps children know what’s expected of them and get ready in advance. You can also use rewards if needed, but it’s important to use them to reward positive behavior, not reinforce negative behavior, and to make sure the reward is simple and appropriate for the situation. For example: Don’t say, “I’ll buy you a toy if you leave now.” Instead, say, “If you leave without throwing a tantrum when the timer goes off at the end of our time, then we can read a book together before bedtime.” Or, if necessary, a consequence. But even in this case, it’s helpful to let them know in advance. “I expect that when this is over, we’ll go home without any tantrums. If that doesn’t happen, then Mom and Dad will have to pick you up and take you to the car, and when we get home, you’ll have to go straight to bed instead of having time to read a book together.”

You’ll need to be consistent and firm, but over time, you’ll be able to prevent some tantrums.

Make your marriage a priority. The first question to ask yourselves should be: “What are you doing to reach an agreement? What steps do you usually take? How do you make a decision?”

One of the most important things is to make your marriage a priority and a way to do that is by spending quality time together as a couple… I know because it’s the same for us. We try to maintain a balance between work, home, family, friends, our children, activities, and our children’s friends and commitments, and the thing that’s easiest to sacrifice is often our time together as a couple. When couples tell me they can’t agree on a decision, and I ask when and how they took time to talk and pray together about this decision, many times the answer is that they didn’t. Or perhaps they did it at home while the kids were screaming from the other room, or tried at the dinner table, always with the kids present, or maybe even at night when the kids are asleep. But having an important conversation with so many distractions or when you’re very tired is really, really difficult.

The first key—and perhaps the most important one—to reaching an agreement between the two of you is simply to make it a habit to spend time together, just the two of you, without the kids, friends, or other distractions. These moments are incredibly precious for understanding each other and being on the same page, both regarding the children and many other things.

• The first time we left our son, he was only one month old. We left him with his grandparents for just two hours. My husband and I went out alone. To be honest, the first time it was hard to enjoy our time together, but we started building a habit right then that has done us so much good over the years. We chose to make our marriage the priority for our family. It has been good for both us and our children, and it has helped us immensely in having time and space to talk, pray, and make decisions together.

A couple of suggestions for doing this:

1. Go out. Don’t stay home because there are too many distractions.

2. JUST the two of you. No kids, no friends, no family.

3. Pray at the start of your outing. You have no idea how many times we’ve risked ruining the little time we had together over something silly. Pray for your time together, pray for your children, pray for guidance on the things that matter most to you. And if you can, pray again at the end about everything you’ve discussed.

4. Choose one important issue to resolve. When you have limited time together, there’s a temptation to bring up every possible issue to resolve in two hours. But this makes your time together feel heavy and makes it hard to make good decisions about everything you add.

We want to be intentional parents who raise disciples of Jesus. To do this, we must choose to disciple our children, not just educate them.