Building a RAFT

David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken developed an acronym in their book, “Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds” to help prepare kids for leaving for the field. The acronym is RAFT.

R = Reconciliation

Reconciliation is just that: reconciling with people and making the relationship right. Just because you leave a place doesn’t mean the problem goes away. It doesn’t – instead, it goes with you. Research has been done on health-related issues due to unforgiveness. TCKs quickly learn that they can forgo the discomfort of having hard conversations with friends by simply getting on an airplane. This can become an unhealthy habit. It is therefore important to teach them from a young age that reconciliation is not optional, and to model this behavior as well.

A = Affirmation

Tell the people you love that you love them. Is there anyone you are super thankful for? Anyone who has helped you greatly while living in that city? Tell them. Let them know how much you appreciate them and what they did for you. It can be helpful to make a list together as a family of all of the people to whom you want to say “thank you” or “I love you”.

F = Farewell

Say goodbye, not only to people, but to places and things as well. This is especially important for young children. This is the not-so-fun part; saying goodbye. You immediately think of all the people you want to say goodbye to. An article I just read on this topic stated to rank your friends, and make sure you dedicate time to those who are closest to your heart before going. Don’t forget to say “Good-bye” to places and things as well. This may sound strange, but it really helps to bring closure. Take a final trip to their favorite park, or restaurant. Plan these “events” on a calendar so you get them in. It is important that children know that it is the final time so that they can say goodbye. It can be helpful to help your child take photos of their favorite places, people and things while saying goodbye and then to create a scrapbook to keep.

T = Think Destination

Talk about the place where you will be moving. How will it be different from where you are now? How will it be the same? What’s the plan when you first arrive? Look up on the internet and read about the new place. Check it out on Google Maps. Remind them that it’s okay to feel both excited about the new destination and sad as you say goodbye to all the old things. It’s normal. It’s important during this stage to be careful not to compare. It can be easy to say things that suggest that the new location will be better than the current one. It will not be better or worse. It will be different.

These steps are an important part in preparing your child for change. Allowing your child space to say goodbye, to grieve and to receive closure, can help with beginning the new chapter. We will share many practical activities and ways to do this over time both through articles and on the activities page.

It is important to plan ahead. In order to go through this process at a natural pace, allowing your child (and yourself) time to go through the various steps and activities, it is important to plan ahead and to put these events on the calendar. The period of time prior to departure can be particularly busy, so it is important to be intentional. This is not always possible. While most of the time it is possible to know and to plan ahead for big changes, putting these steps into your calendar several months before the big move, there are occasions when this is not possible. If you have to leave a location quickly for whatever reason, take the time to go through the steps afterwards. They are still valuable, even if you are forced to be more creative in how you can do it from a distance. Write people snail mail and send them a letter. Try and look up your favorite places on Google maps or ask friends or local people to take a video and send it to you so that your child can say goodbye. If your child has a local friend ask if they would go on a photo scavenger hunt for them, taking photos of your child’s favorite places, and people. And set up appointments online if reconciliation needs to happen or through mail. While it is much more valuable to take your time in doing this and to do it in person having important conversations and going through the “lasts”, it is still important to help your child process if the departure was quick and unplanned, possibly even more so.

In this whole process and with every step create space for listening. Make sure that you are having regular check-ins with your child. Pray together often. Give them space to express the variety of emotions that they are likely feeling: anger, resentment, excitement, anxiety, sadness, grief and more. Let them know that it is okay to feel more than one emotion at a time and that it is important to talk and pray about it. Create a safe space where they feel loved in all of their emotions.

Building a RAFT is an important part of leaving well.

Resources:

“Raising Up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids” (Lauren Wells)

“Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds (3° Edition)” (David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken)

“Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21° Century” (Tanya Crossman)